Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Jerks

My wife has a friend with an idiot for a husband. He's an inventor of internets, even though he hasn't worked for many years. His main occupation seems to be playing golf and shaving his head into a decent facsimile of a white, sunburnt dick.

He's an atheist, and considers himself the last bulwark of reason against the hordes of pious troublemakers looking to send us back to the dark ages. He also seems to consider himself something of a reactionary iconoclast, with a contrarian position on all things politically correct.

My wife had the misfortune of dining with this shmuck recently, and I found myself daydreaming about some non-sequiter responses I would have liked to have given to his offensive ramblings. Enjoy:

Scenario: At the polite suggestion that public breastfeeding was political – “All those Christian fundamentalists can go fuck themselves if they’ve never seen a tit. And if they haven’t, they fucking should.”

Responsa: "Some Christian fundamentalists don't eat meat, which is a type of tit. Can we eat tits, even if they're not in public?"


Scenario: My wife is pregnant, and fucko recently gave birth to his own son, with some assistance from the mother. On the heartbreaking subject of postnatal depression: “They should just get over it for fuck sake. What a load of shit.”

Responsa: "What about post nasal compression? I had that after a bad cold, and it caused my ears to pop. Do you think it's psychosomatic, or is it just a result of eating too much Just Right?"

Scenario: On the subject of finding a job, something which is beneath a famous inventor of internets: “99% of HR people should be dragged out into the street and shot for all the fucking good they do. Bunch of useless idiots”.

Responsa: "Sorry, did you say 'HR"? I always thought it was pronounced "hrerrrr"! I've only ever seen it written. What do you think postcodes are used for?"