My father, Albert Wajnberg, passed away yesterday. He went suddenly, from what we believe was a cardiac episode. He fell and sustained minor head injuries, which likely contributed to his death. I had spoken to him on the phone less than an hour before he was discovered. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loved my father, and anyone who met my father knows why. This was a man utterly devoid of selfishness, ill-will or evil intention, a jovial man with a voice that registered somewhere between a stand up-bass and a bassoon. A man of tremendous joy and quiet, unassuming intelligence, a fair judge of all men, save for himself. He was too ready to talk himself down, a trait that was often exasperating to the people around him who adored him. I would have the same tendency towards self-immolation, were it not for the fact that my father filled me with such a massive amount of self-esteem. All confidence in myself stems from Al Wajnberg's relentless promotion of all his children as being a super race of brilliant, beautiful humans.
I and my brother, and my three sisters, and my mother, have received an enormous outpouring of support from friends and family, which I'm left humbled by. But it has occurred to me that no-one knows what to say in these situations. Myself included. And for people who aren't familiar with Jewish tradition, the act of expressing solemn condolences is a potential minefield. I like providing guides and definitions. So I'm going to condense the 1% of what I know of Jewish mourning tradition into a guide for my friends, all of which can be chucked out the window in return for any sincere expression of regret. But just as I've found a bit of comfort in following a set table of rules for this event, I hope I can do the same for other people.
1. Normal attire is expected at a Jewish funeral. Slacks and a shirt, skirt and a blouse, etc. Ties, suits, veils...all of it might be considered adornment, and is not necessary. Helmets are acceptable, if you are a viking.
2. Flowers are not generally appropriate. Stones are often placed on the grave as a marker, or sign of permanence.
3. All Jews are buried in simple boxes, wrapped in shrouds. Viewing the body is not traditional. The idea is that human beings derive their personal sanctity from the spirit God has imbued in them, and from their deeds while on Earth. Their physical form is a distraction from these realities, thus immaterial when committing back to God. Something like that.
4. The traditional greeting for an Onen, a person directly grieving the deceased, is to wish them Long Life. Other chit chat is generally considered totes banal. Keep in mind, the first thing I said to my sister, immediately after she was informed of the terrible news, was "How are you?". If it slips, don't worry about it.
5. No clapping after speeches. I guess this one isn't strictly a Jewish custom, more just common sense. However, if the speech includes juggling...
6. Only the family rend their clothing. Doing so to fit in will result in torn clothing.
7. After the funeral, mourners are invited to the home of the deceased a few hours later, to recite psalms and the Kaddish, the Jewish prayer for the dead. This is not a wake. Reminiscing the dead and hanging around should be kept to the 7-day period after the burial, known as the Shiva. Sounds harsh, but it's best to make it quick and then split. And when you do, go get a chicken parma or something else delicious. The honour of mourning is strictly reserved for the immediate family. Everyone else is ordered to get back to their affairs, by decree of Old Testament God, who doesn't screw around.
8. Over the next 7 days, the mourners stay at home, cover their mirrors,take off their shoes and sit on the ground or on small stools. This period, Shiva, is the intense mourning period that's probably been mentioned on any show that had a special episode where a Jewish character had died.
9. When visiting a mourner during Shiva, it is customary to bring light food, since the mourners are not expected to engage in the joys of cooking and the eating of the cookies. Flowers are nice, but simple food like soup, bread rolls, hard boiled eggs and vegetables are more appropriate.
10. Jews are not Irish. I guess this means that we don't appreciate drinking, levity or irreverence during the mourning period. But Dad praised good humour above all other things, and raised his children likewise. If you'e able to honour us and Dad with a visit during Shiva, please bring some jokes. Al Wajnberg was a man who liked to sit, talk and laugh.
That's it. I hope this helps shed some light on the ancient, mystical, garlicky customs of the ancient Jews. I hope it helps.
To Dad- I know neither of us believed in ghosts, spirits or the afterlife. But in the event we were wrong...stick around. I wasn't done making you laugh.
M.H.D.S.R.I.P
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Doom and also Gloom
I wouldn't exactly say I'm a fan of entropy. 'Fan' would suggest that I somehow, I dunno, root for it. It's just that I believe in entropy, and not just because it's a set law of thermodynamics and therefore 'exists' in a way that few things can claim to exist. So while I don't jump for joy when I see something that deserves to fall apart, fall apart, I do feel a little comforted knowing that the universe is kicking along the same as it always has, no matter how much optimism we fabricate.
To that end, I'm looking at the world right now and trying hard to ignore the facts, but ultimately, I gotta call it...the world really is coming to an end. Something very big is about to happen. Everything going on right now has that eerie, 'calm before the storm' feel to it. And even then, it's not that calm. Let's look at some of the highlights:
1. Political division in the US is deepening, with small bursts of violence starting to appear. This will ramp up as we approach the 2012 election campaign. This will have ramifications for the rest of the world. The right wing will get more desperate, the left will get more tongue-tied, and the lunatic fringe on both sides will be the only voices heard. But it'll be the fringe on the right that gets their way, and riskier investments and ventures will proliferate, as the sunny Tea Partiers insist on American adventurism as a means to get out of crisis. You'll see American banks go through a rapid series of booms, busts and utter disasters, until the lunatic right's suggestions of a gold standard start to look reasonable. Then...
2. The Chinese will start selling their 900 billion dollars worth of US Treasury Bonds to whomever will buy them, which will be no-one. The Japanese, with a similar amount, will start to liquefy their exposure to the dangerously insane looking Americans. The greenback's standing as the world's reserve currency will implode, and currency markets will go into freefall. At that point, there will be literally no safe investment anywhere in the world. Then...
3. The stock market will bottom out. The Dow will sink past 5000 before settling. Then...
4. Some major disaster will hit a US city. Likely to be a flood, earthquake or Godzilla attack (GODZILLA LOSE SHIRT IN EQUITIES! BLAAARGH!!). Then...
5. A War. Maybe Iran will finally lose it and launch a missile into Israel. or vise versa. Or the North Koreans launch into South Korea. Or Iraq will come undone. or Afghanistan. Then...
6. Major talks. The greenback will be stabilized with the printing of more money, which will be overblown by the public, who have pushed the price of Gold past $1800/oz. Then Gold crashes back down to $300/oz. Meanwhile, those with a steady hand will avoid the rush to panic and keep their money in banks. Then...
7. The first Iceland-esque instance of US consumers going to withdraw money from (probably a Citi) ATM, and not being able to, will occur. Panic. Run on the banks. People will get 5c to the dollar. Which is now worth 2c because of the inflation.
8. Riots.
9. The Aussie housing bubble will explode, sending hot egg into everyone's face. Turns out the biggest backer of Aussie mortgage debt was...
10. Goldman Sachs. But the biggest better AGAINST Aussie mortgage debt was...
11. Goldman Sachs. They're fine, but they accept a bail out anyway, even though the US treasury has no money. They're offered treasury bonds, but Goldman actually refuses to take them, which leads to...
12. Everyone else sells their US treasuries. The US can't print the money fast enough. Hyper-inflation. Mass hoarding. More Riots. Someone gets shot.
13. ?
In all of this, I plan on getting married and out of debt, and hopefully getting an opportunity to start my writing career. Of course, the whole world will be in utter chaos at that point, and I'll be drafted into the New United States Army, and called back to the US for basic training. Lisa and I will jump ship on the way, finding safe haven on a coconut festooned island, where we will establish our own nation, with an economy based on coconuts and coconut derivatives. We will have children and die 150 years later, by which time the slaves will be re-freed in the New United States of Atlantica, a nation comprising of the remains of the US East Coast and the UK. We won't be there to see the bubble bubble, when risky bets on the rising prices of bubbles will destroy the fishbak, the reserve underwater-world currency.
It gets hazy from there.
To that end, I'm looking at the world right now and trying hard to ignore the facts, but ultimately, I gotta call it...the world really is coming to an end. Something very big is about to happen. Everything going on right now has that eerie, 'calm before the storm' feel to it. And even then, it's not that calm. Let's look at some of the highlights:
1. Political division in the US is deepening, with small bursts of violence starting to appear. This will ramp up as we approach the 2012 election campaign. This will have ramifications for the rest of the world. The right wing will get more desperate, the left will get more tongue-tied, and the lunatic fringe on both sides will be the only voices heard. But it'll be the fringe on the right that gets their way, and riskier investments and ventures will proliferate, as the sunny Tea Partiers insist on American adventurism as a means to get out of crisis. You'll see American banks go through a rapid series of booms, busts and utter disasters, until the lunatic right's suggestions of a gold standard start to look reasonable. Then...
2. The Chinese will start selling their 900 billion dollars worth of US Treasury Bonds to whomever will buy them, which will be no-one. The Japanese, with a similar amount, will start to liquefy their exposure to the dangerously insane looking Americans. The greenback's standing as the world's reserve currency will implode, and currency markets will go into freefall. At that point, there will be literally no safe investment anywhere in the world. Then...
3. The stock market will bottom out. The Dow will sink past 5000 before settling. Then...
4. Some major disaster will hit a US city. Likely to be a flood, earthquake or Godzilla attack (GODZILLA LOSE SHIRT IN EQUITIES! BLAAARGH!!). Then...
5. A War. Maybe Iran will finally lose it and launch a missile into Israel. or vise versa. Or the North Koreans launch into South Korea. Or Iraq will come undone. or Afghanistan. Then...
6. Major talks. The greenback will be stabilized with the printing of more money, which will be overblown by the public, who have pushed the price of Gold past $1800/oz. Then Gold crashes back down to $300/oz. Meanwhile, those with a steady hand will avoid the rush to panic and keep their money in banks. Then...
7. The first Iceland-esque instance of US consumers going to withdraw money from (probably a Citi) ATM, and not being able to, will occur. Panic. Run on the banks. People will get 5c to the dollar. Which is now worth 2c because of the inflation.
8. Riots.
9. The Aussie housing bubble will explode, sending hot egg into everyone's face. Turns out the biggest backer of Aussie mortgage debt was...
10. Goldman Sachs. But the biggest better AGAINST Aussie mortgage debt was...
11. Goldman Sachs. They're fine, but they accept a bail out anyway, even though the US treasury has no money. They're offered treasury bonds, but Goldman actually refuses to take them, which leads to...
12. Everyone else sells their US treasuries. The US can't print the money fast enough. Hyper-inflation. Mass hoarding. More Riots. Someone gets shot.
13. ?
In all of this, I plan on getting married and out of debt, and hopefully getting an opportunity to start my writing career. Of course, the whole world will be in utter chaos at that point, and I'll be drafted into the New United States Army, and called back to the US for basic training. Lisa and I will jump ship on the way, finding safe haven on a coconut festooned island, where we will establish our own nation, with an economy based on coconuts and coconut derivatives. We will have children and die 150 years later, by which time the slaves will be re-freed in the New United States of Atlantica, a nation comprising of the remains of the US East Coast and the UK. We won't be there to see the bubble bubble, when risky bets on the rising prices of bubbles will destroy the fishbak, the reserve underwater-world currency.
It gets hazy from there.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Monday, August 16, 2010
Potrzebie St. Market
I've been wondering lately how English must sound to people who don't speak English. It's common for us to trivialize another language by blathering the most common syllables in a random pattern- common AND historical. The Greeks would refer to their Phoenician neighbours as "Barbars", no doubt because in their semitic languages, everyone was called Bar (son) of something. Like Johnny Bar Mitzvah, the ancient world's finest (and manliest) sailor. Soon, the word "Barbarian" came to mean anyone who didn't speak Greek. But hey, those grape leaf eating homos may have been referred to as Losers, since many of their words end in *-lous or similar. Fuggin' greeks.
Moving on, we're all happy to refer to the Chinaman as Ping Pong, since the tonal languages use a lot of those particular syllabic constructs in their linguistic morphology. Also, let's face it, they play a lot of ping pong. Similarly, I'll readily characterise German speakers as EisenScheizens, because that's all I hear when they speak. And I think they like to eat shit.
By the way- if you're into poo eating, does it have to be your lover's poo? Or does a poo-eater look at a soiled kitty litter box like I would a Whitman's Sampler? Let me know, if you're a poo-eater.
So what does English sound like to the barbarians who don't speak it? What are the familiar bits and pieces that stick out to the hateful francophile, or the simple-minded Eskimo? Would it be the hard, Anglo-Saxon R's and K's from words like firetruck, traction and motherfucker? Or the middle german ERs and INGs that end so many of our words? I can't for the life of me take myself out of the English speaking world enough to imagine what it could be.
How does this sentence look?
"The best fish in Krakow are to be bought at the Potrzebie St. Market".
Which syllables stick out? Does it sound like this:
Thay bes vish ink krakowre tobee botatsh potrzebeestre mark"
Because in that, all my brain would hear would be the syballine S, the softer SH and the hard sounds of those Rs and Ks. I guess as an irreverent Afghani, I might imitate American soldiers like this:
"Shper per, grabben shiken gow now smith jonson krakker"
Then all my cave-mates would laugh, except for the Afghani hipsters, off-put by such a dated stereotype of foreigners.
Moving on, we're all happy to refer to the Chinaman as Ping Pong, since the tonal languages use a lot of those particular syllabic constructs in their linguistic morphology. Also, let's face it, they play a lot of ping pong. Similarly, I'll readily characterise German speakers as EisenScheizens, because that's all I hear when they speak. And I think they like to eat shit.
By the way- if you're into poo eating, does it have to be your lover's poo? Or does a poo-eater look at a soiled kitty litter box like I would a Whitman's Sampler? Let me know, if you're a poo-eater.
So what does English sound like to the barbarians who don't speak it? What are the familiar bits and pieces that stick out to the hateful francophile, or the simple-minded Eskimo? Would it be the hard, Anglo-Saxon R's and K's from words like firetruck, traction and motherfucker? Or the middle german ERs and INGs that end so many of our words? I can't for the life of me take myself out of the English speaking world enough to imagine what it could be.
How does this sentence look?
"The best fish in Krakow are to be bought at the Potrzebie St. Market".
Which syllables stick out? Does it sound like this:
Thay bes vish ink krakowre tobee botatsh potrzebeestre mark"
Because in that, all my brain would hear would be the syballine S, the softer SH and the hard sounds of those Rs and Ks. I guess as an irreverent Afghani, I might imitate American soldiers like this:
"Shper per, grabben shiken gow now smith jonson krakker"
Then all my cave-mates would laugh, except for the Afghani hipsters, off-put by such a dated stereotype of foreigners.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Things I Like - Cats
I'm a cat person. I watched the latest episode of Futurama, "That Darn Katz!" in which it's suggested that cats are an alien species who came to earth for a nefarious reason. Played out idea, and lazy to pitch cats as a comedy device, but I felt like pitching some cat material all the same. because I'm lazy.
1. In a Coke vs. Pepsi battle, Dogs prefer Pepsi! Lame! And cats do not fucking care.
2. I get worried when using a laser pointer to bait my cat, because it might frustrate him or shine in his eyes. And if he knew I was worried, he'd think I was a pussy.
3. Cats are murderers, with none of this bullshit "malice aforethought". Cats have no aforethought.
4. You can hit a cat and feel bad about it, but that won't really matter to a cat. You know what matters to a cat? Food.
5. There's a legend that Muhammed cut the sleeve off his robe rather than disturb his cat who was dozing on it. When that cat woke up, on the sleeve of Muhammed's robe, it probably went right ahead and licked it's own asshole, patiently and with great care, like it did after any nap.
6. Cats are often cast in kids movies as villains in contrast to dogs. While dogs are very proud of this, cats have no opinion whatsoever. But don't think that's because cats would prefer independent films or anything- they don't. They just prefer food.
7. Do you have food? No? Then you are of no use to a cat. And even if you have food, they still neither like you or dislike you.
8. I know you like to think that cats have a rich inner life when you're not there. They don't. They just sleep or walk around.
9. When two cats meet, nothing magical happens. They just hate each other. And they certainly fucking hate magic.
10. No cat would ever read this post, because it isn't food.
1. In a Coke vs. Pepsi battle, Dogs prefer Pepsi! Lame! And cats do not fucking care.
2. I get worried when using a laser pointer to bait my cat, because it might frustrate him or shine in his eyes. And if he knew I was worried, he'd think I was a pussy.
3. Cats are murderers, with none of this bullshit "malice aforethought". Cats have no aforethought.
4. You can hit a cat and feel bad about it, but that won't really matter to a cat. You know what matters to a cat? Food.
5. There's a legend that Muhammed cut the sleeve off his robe rather than disturb his cat who was dozing on it. When that cat woke up, on the sleeve of Muhammed's robe, it probably went right ahead and licked it's own asshole, patiently and with great care, like it did after any nap.
6. Cats are often cast in kids movies as villains in contrast to dogs. While dogs are very proud of this, cats have no opinion whatsoever. But don't think that's because cats would prefer independent films or anything- they don't. They just prefer food.
7. Do you have food? No? Then you are of no use to a cat. And even if you have food, they still neither like you or dislike you.
8. I know you like to think that cats have a rich inner life when you're not there. They don't. They just sleep or walk around.
9. When two cats meet, nothing magical happens. They just hate each other. And they certainly fucking hate magic.
10. No cat would ever read this post, because it isn't food.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Bullshit Problems
I read an account recently of a man's battle with sex addiction. It was harrowing to read about this man's inability to modify behaviour that cost him his health, his friendships and relationships, and even his job. At the end of the article, there was a profound sense of sadness, as the post-rehab self-analysis brought with it feelings of worthlessness to the author, and a sense of time lost and never to be regained.
BUT! It was still bullshit.
I know pain is relative, and no amount of objective relativity ever helps to lessen the sorrow and suffering we're personally feeling, but I think it's unfortunate that we allow ourselves to BELIEVE that certain types of pain are ACTUALLY real. This goes back to my concern over the bullshit of the future, where we force ourselves to forget what is and isn't a temporary lie we tell ourselves to make sense of the world, and we start to build entire paradigms on shaky, untrue foundations.
As far as I can tell, there are only a few types of real problems in the world, problems that actually inhibit our ability to defend ourselves against further harm. They are
1. Physical pain, including violence and abuse
2. Disability
3. No food
That's it. Everything else is what my friend Mitch is fond of calling a "First World Problem".
I'm going to provide a handy-dandy primer to help differentiate between real and not real problems. And before you ask "Hey asshole! Who made you the judge of whether or not my pain is real?!?!" I'm going to suggest that if you have the time to read this, CAN read it and don't have anyone chasing you with an axe, you probably don't have too many real problems.
I'm addicted to sex _ Not a real problem.
I have no legs - real problem.
I forgot my lunch and will have to buy a sandwich - Not a real problem.
I have a parasite - real problem.
I'm spiritually bereft - Not a real problem.
I'm being raped *right now* - real problem
I lost my keys- Not a real problem.
My pancakes are possessed - real problem (providing that in your head, this is the way you conceive of the problem that you've lost your keys. If your pancakes are actually possessed, not a real problem).
By the way, if you allow yourself to believe that you have a problem with say, shopping too much, I hate you, and maybe think you're a problem.
BUT! It was still bullshit.
I know pain is relative, and no amount of objective relativity ever helps to lessen the sorrow and suffering we're personally feeling, but I think it's unfortunate that we allow ourselves to BELIEVE that certain types of pain are ACTUALLY real. This goes back to my concern over the bullshit of the future, where we force ourselves to forget what is and isn't a temporary lie we tell ourselves to make sense of the world, and we start to build entire paradigms on shaky, untrue foundations.
As far as I can tell, there are only a few types of real problems in the world, problems that actually inhibit our ability to defend ourselves against further harm. They are
1. Physical pain, including violence and abuse
2. Disability
3. No food
That's it. Everything else is what my friend Mitch is fond of calling a "First World Problem".
I'm going to provide a handy-dandy primer to help differentiate between real and not real problems. And before you ask "Hey asshole! Who made you the judge of whether or not my pain is real?!?!" I'm going to suggest that if you have the time to read this, CAN read it and don't have anyone chasing you with an axe, you probably don't have too many real problems.
I'm addicted to sex _ Not a real problem.
I have no legs - real problem.
I forgot my lunch and will have to buy a sandwich - Not a real problem.
I have a parasite - real problem.
I'm spiritually bereft - Not a real problem.
I'm being raped *right now* - real problem
I lost my keys- Not a real problem.
My pancakes are possessed - real problem (providing that in your head, this is the way you conceive of the problem that you've lost your keys. If your pancakes are actually possessed, not a real problem).
By the way, if you allow yourself to believe that you have a problem with say, shopping too much, I hate you, and maybe think you're a problem.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Genius
Like many people my age, I'm the go-to-guy for any tech questions in my family, ranging from the banal (how do I download a ringtone?) to the super banal (What's a Java?). It's annoying, but it's occasionally fun to have people think you're some kind of wizard because you know to set up an iTunes account.
My Dad is especially inept when it comes to anything computer related. Which isn't unusual, but Dad has the innate ability to ask questions that are so maddeningly obtuse that they can only be the creations of a boiling, genius mind. Dad takes bits and pieces he reads in magazines and hears on TV, some science he learned from Robert Ludlum potboilers, and synthesizes it into the scientific equivalent of ghoulash. Like when he asks me if Microsoft Word uses 128-bit encryption. For what, I ask him. Oh you know. For encrypting.
I got him an iPhone because even I couldn't get my head around most Nokia phones, and I found the iPhone enjoyably simple to use. I sat with him and loaded on music that he might like. I came across some Tenacious D. He'd never heard the D, and asked to hear some. I played Fuck Her Gently. This conversation followed.
Dad: Hahaha! That's great! Hey, do you think I could play that on the TRAIN?!?!? OUT LOUD?!?!?
Me: Uh, yeah, you could.
Dad: But I never take the train.
HOW DID HE DO THAT!?!? I could sit down from now until Doomsday and I would not be able to conceive such lunacy.
My Dad is especially inept when it comes to anything computer related. Which isn't unusual, but Dad has the innate ability to ask questions that are so maddeningly obtuse that they can only be the creations of a boiling, genius mind. Dad takes bits and pieces he reads in magazines and hears on TV, some science he learned from Robert Ludlum potboilers, and synthesizes it into the scientific equivalent of ghoulash. Like when he asks me if Microsoft Word uses 128-bit encryption. For what, I ask him. Oh you know. For encrypting.
I got him an iPhone because even I couldn't get my head around most Nokia phones, and I found the iPhone enjoyably simple to use. I sat with him and loaded on music that he might like. I came across some Tenacious D. He'd never heard the D, and asked to hear some. I played Fuck Her Gently. This conversation followed.
Dad: Hahaha! That's great!
Me: Uh, yeah, you could.
Dad:
HOW DID HE DO THAT!?!? I could sit down from now until Doomsday and I would not be able to conceive such lunacy.
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