Mott-o!

DATELINE- Melbourne, Jan 3, 2010. A new decade dawns! Happy New Year to all: may your days be fuller, your blood calmer, and your meringues fluffier in the 365 to come.

This morning I was escorted to work via automobile by my chum Lisa, a sexy broad who cooks and does the sex with me. Along the way, we noticed the car ahead of us, a people mover from Queensland, had the motto "Queensland- The Smart State".

Lisa is as prone to violent outbursts of rage as I, and she delightfully screamed- "Smart state? That's pretty shit. Why not 'Queensland- A Good state"???

We agreed that this is a trend- rather than our license plates decrying some famous or would-be famous characteristic of our states and territories, they are now bestamped with meaningless, broad generalities- not the least of which is verdant Victoria, once "The Garden State", now reduced to "The Place To Be". Which, I pointed out, would make as much sense if it were followed by a parenthetical "If you are in Victoria".

Below is a list of license plate mottos for the new decade- A broad, meaningless decade. C'mon- The Tens? That's shit. Wake me up for the Roaring Twenties.

Western Australia

Current: The Golden State, Home of The America's Cup, State of Excitement (wordplay!)

Future: The Western State, The Most Western State, Large and In Charge

Northern Territory

Current: Outback Australia

Future: Ol' Nothing, Searing Hotness, The Territory of the North

South Australia

Current: The Festival State, A Brilliant Blend

Future: Also Big, Home of some Grapes, Munincipally Sub-divided

Queensland

Current: The Sunshine State, The Smart State

Future: The State State, Really Good Water, We Have Pineapples 'n' Shit

New South Wales

Current: The Premier State, The First State

Future: Actually bigger than all of Old Wales, Above Victoria, Where Some of The Matrix Was Filmed

Australian Capital Territory/Canberra

Current: Nation's Capital, Heart of The Nation

Future: Canberra: Canberra, Gateway to Fyshwick, Totes Boring

Tasmania

Current: Explore the Possibilities

Future: Courtier of King Island, Shaped Like Pubes, Not New Zealand

Victoria

Current: On The Move, The Garden State, The Place To Be

Future: The Place at Which You Likely Am, The Best at Footy, The State Where Underbelly Wasn't Shown on TV

Also: do you call it a motto? A slogan? A tag line? None of these words seem entirely proper.