Sizzle!

My back hurts.

Moving on- I remember my pappy said to me when I was a kid: "Son, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle".

It's one of those aphorisms that everyone knows, but never stops to think about the deeper meaning of. Like "It's always in the last place you look". Of course! Because why would you keep looking?

Anywho, lately I've been talking with buddies, dudes, homeboys, pals, mates, homeslices, besties and compadres, and we've been putting that little saying into the wider context of 21st Century capitalism.

Now here, I should point out that I'm a 'fan' of capitalism, in that at it's core, I believe it does actually seek to mine the best talent from the population and allow the owners of that talent to realize their potential through the open market. I've heard it said from free-marketers that raw capitalism mimics nature, in that the strong survive and the weak are (appropriately) taken out of the gene pool.

Ah, but if that were true.

Ideally, a free or open market would be a place where talented folks could put their wares on display, and try to best match the price they think it's worth, to the price the largest number of people would actually pay for it. It would be the best type of trade: the producer gets to earn money to live while refining their skill, and the buyer gets to bring more happiness into their life with something of greater utility.

IDEALLY.

I'm sure that when free markets started up, this is generally how it went. But then something else came into the mix. Marketing.

It's one thing to tell people "I got good steak right here. Here's what it costs. If you buy it, you will have good steak". But then some joker comes by with steak that isn't as good. No problem you think. My steak is better, so people will buy it.

But this joker tells people "This steak- look at how good it sizzles. Look at that smoke. Look at that glistening fat. Mmmm. If you buy it, you will have more than good steak. You'll have happiness. Better hair. More attractive cave-wives. Thicker toe nails.

You roll your eyes, but sure enough, everyone starts buying this bullshit steak. You start to have to throw steak away. You grudgingly change your plan, and tell people "yes yes, our steak sizzles too. Ok. Yes, it's good, yum, you'll have happiness, shinier hair, thicker wives, etc".

So it evens out. And people find out that behind the joker's sizzle, the steak is really bad. Behind your sizzle, the steak is really good! You win for a while.

Then the joker starts selling his steak for a very low price. He tells the people about how busy they are, how they need steak that's quick, cheap and ready to go- his steak can be toasted! Oh here- buy this cave toaster with your steak. Value! More money for your lifestyle! More money for you!

Ok, you say, after losing business. I'll make quick-steak. Easier steak. Not as good, sure, but cheaper to make. Still has sizzle! Still better than the rest.

But that damn joker has moved into special pricing plans. Why pay for steak now? Joker calls you a fat cat. Out of touch. Don't realize how important steak ownership is. Just trying to get rich. Joker is a friend of the people, offers steak on lay-away. Eat now, pay later!

The conversation isn't about steak anymore. It's now about your feelings, your freedom, your needs.

I think everyone forgot that you can sell the steak on the sizzle all you like- but there has to be steak behind it. Sure, people buy on impulse, people are swayed by emotion- so you do mention the benefits over the features, you do mention how it will change the buyer's life for the better. But it has to actually do that! otherwise you're just selling sizzle! You haven't played a fair game of capitalism and innovation- you've just kinda cheated! It doesn't look like nature at all- a bug can't evolve past a tree's poisonous sap by tricking the tree into looking the other way- the bug has to adapt!

So it's gotten me really angry, all this right-wing, free-market opposition to things like green technology. Burning oil isn't good- it's dirty, inefficient and expensive. We can adapt past that. Why keep propping up large oil companies? Free marketers who scoff at governments are very quick to defend large corporations- how is a large corporation any different to a government? They both win by leverage, they both move slowly and are crippled by red tape, and they both use fear and manipulation to gain control. Whether it be with an army of soldiers or an army of lawyers (and in some cases, large corporations maintain both)- keeping people in line through the use of force is the antithesis of freedom. I think many free-marketers have missed the point- getting rich IS a wonderful thing, but it's the by-product of freedom- not the goal. The goal is the freedom to continuously realize your potential.

ANYWHO, back to steak and sizzle. I am calling for a boycott on any product that markets to me aggressively. Why market aggressively if your product is good enough? The idea that the best advertising is word-of-mouth advertising isn't just a sage, head nodding homily, it's a straight-up explanation- word of mouth advertising only follows from a product that actually meets the expectations heaped upon it, a product that actually brings happiness to the buyer. A product that the buyer feel doesn't really need advertising, because it aptly speaks for itself.

So I say pfah! to the gurus who insist you gotta sell the benefit. Show me some damn features! Show me what it can do! I'LL decide how it makes me feel! I'LL decide how it makes my balls tingle! Don't sell me the BallTingler 5000 on how it will make me more confident- I KNOW THAT! WHO DOESN'T FEEL MORE CONFIDENT WITH SOME NICE, TINGLY BALLS? Tell me how it does it! Show it in action!

In conclusion: I want me one of those Sham-Wows. 12 times it's own weight in water? That's some steak I can bite into.

Manifisto!

So I've been talking to my girlfriend, Lisa Simpson (real name! That's her real fucking name!) about what I want Fisto! to be. Evidently, I want it to always be followed with a !, which is cute and shit. I want it to retain it's slightly pornish name. Beyond that, the ideas are coming into my head kinda ad-hoc, so I thought it would be best to get down some ideas on electro-paper, which essentially is what Fisto! is going to be all about. Getting ideas down on electro-paper.

1. There are talented writers out there who want to write, but what they want to write about is unpopular, badly researched or irrelevant.

I hold this to be a truism: even the internet (or 'Nerdlocker', see Post #1) has a terrible aptitude for allowing content to become categorized. The Internet is supposed to be a forum for free expression, but blogs, twitters and the like quickly become about one thing, or start off that way. I want Fisto! to be an almanac, which means that it's a collection of non-specific, written pieces that have nothing to do with each other, other than that they are well told, well crafted, occasionally funny and always worth at least a glance. Topics can be as varied as video games, US presidents, languages, climate change, corporate governance, old timey radio shows, electronics, space exploration or whatever happens to be on the mind of the contributor. I only hold that it has to be written in a style that I approve of. Because if not me, who? If not now, when? If not this, why? etc.

2. Footnotes ain't for shit.

Throughout high school, and throughout my stop-start attempts to earn a tertiary education, I always got B's. Every paper I got back had the same general criticism "Well written, but needs more footnotes!" That annoyed me. If it's well-written, give it an A! But of course, I missed the point- they weren't grading me on being a good writer, they were grading me on being a good synthesizer of proven ideas.

That's ok: I like synthesizing ideas. But if the synthesis is my own, why do I need to specify where I got the details from? I went into a screenwriting course, and I was never asked for a single damn reference, footnote or bibliography: I could just come up with stuff. I liked that.

So I want Fisto! to follow a different model. Rather than the thesis-hypothesis-synthesis model, which requires copious fact checking, I want this site to follow the thesis-hypothesis-antithesis-antithesis-antithesis model. The conversation doesn't need to end, the topic can just be argued until each individual works out their own personal synthesis.

BUT- I don't want that sort of thing to be mistaken for journalism- which I believe is the current problem with journalism. Sitting around and discussing the matters of the day, be they important or not, is fun, instructive and helps to make brain-grow. Brain-grow important. Journalism should remain a profession, concerned with verisimilitude, objectivity and ethics. It won't, but it really should.

I only ask that contributors be smart and rational. And by smart I mean curious. No smugness, no pride-in-ignorance, no straw-man arguments. Too many people get by on looking clever by using preposterous rhetoric, and then calmly sitting back while others get outraged, and asking them whether they've maybe 'struck a chord'. Anyone who has ever raised an eyebrow and stated "perhaps the lady doth protest too much!" unironically, are fucks. I mean..."is a fuck". Run-on sentences are bad.

3. Funny good.

I'll only post stuff that's interesting, but between interesting and funny, and interesting and not-funny, I'll post the former over the latter.

So that's it- I want Fisto! to be Good, Varied and Funny. Which is what I want everything to be- even a sandwich! Sandwiches are already funny, but when they have high quality, varied ingredients, they become...Fisto!

*hack sput*

That was the sound of me choking on my own pretentiousness. But for the record, I would like to make Fisto! the adjective for all high quality...things, because then I can just slap it on a T-Shirt and wait for the money to come to me.

Bully!

Let's jump right into it- Fisto! is going to be a culture and lifestyle website, a window to the pop-culture world through the prism of late 19th century bully-boy manlihood, complete with twirly mustaches, bare knuckle boxing and thinly veiled racisms.

I'm going to start this all off with a recent obsession of mine- Ye Olde Englische Kennings. Kennings are poetic compund words, popular in Nordic, German and old Anglo Saxon dialects. Similar to ancient Greek epitaphs ("bronze-haired", silver-tongued") they use circumlocution to add zest, verb and pfaff to humble words. Volkswagen (People's Wagon) is a good modern example, in the context that it means Car. Ancient examples include "Whale's Road" for Ocean, or "Bone Locker" for Body. Let's try some new ones for the modern day, shall we? Bully!

Nerd-locker- Internet
Shit-pig- A pig of low or poor quality
House-penis- regular boyfriend
Road-penis- a man you're having an affair with
Wank-talker- iPhone
Cheese-stabber- fork
Wank-talker-bringer- iPhone dealership
Cheesy-hots- Pizza
Word-talker- Common Jew
Corn-fed-word-talker- Fancy Jew, or Lawyer
Face-screwing-sea- Jug of tart lemonade

I invite everyone to contribute their own.