Fictionary!

Every couple, I imagine, creates an entire lexicon out of their shared experience; cute words and phrases that are intended to strengthen the pair bond, a secret language that identifies one to the other as their freely chosen companion.

Most couples mercifully keep this cutesy shit to themselves- out of a sense of self consciousness, a desire to keep it private, and for a lack of elegant phraseology to take the words out of personal context and explain them to the lay-person. Thankfully, I have no shame, no desire to keep anything private, and a thick, veiny vocabulary that's just bursting with enthusiasm.

1. Boobelachma- boobs, or anything related to them, uttered in a faux-arabic accent. Can be a noun or adjective (n. "Gimme some boobelachma!" or adj. "That woman sure is boobelachma! But you even more so, pon rabies")

2. Mah Bebeh (also. Pon Rabehs, Pon Swayzeh, Vince Frabehs, etc.)- a vaguely insincere rendering of "My Baby", meant to evoke the patois of an un-self consciously "cool" hipster action hero, or Eurotrash. To be used when the other partner is upset about nothing important (eg. "What's wrong, Pon Shwabies? Did life not come out the way you want to in your mind babehs?")

3. Balls, Ham, Smith- Versatile suffixes to render adjectives as nouns and verbs as institutions. Eg. "I feel angryballs at all this reality telesmith! Fetch me some sodaham!"

4. Splayed Fatly- the condition wherein the described is unappealingly lying on their back due to over-consumption of food. Usually accompanied by high pitched moaning and sad, beefy farts.

5. Scroobily doo and boobily doo, foobily doobily do (toot sweet!)- A tonal garbleham evoking nothing beyond mild restlessness or an inability to otherwise articulate one's thoughts.

6. Doo, do-do da-doo!- A tonal garbleham specifically evoking an insincere conclusion to a thought, using a tone common to the tail end of late 20th century US television sitcom theme songs. Further intended to evoke a sense of contrivance or an otherwise unsatisfactory conclusion.

7. Garbleham- An incongruous grouping of sounds, syllables or mis-heard words and phrases, intended to evoke a sense of deja vu or ironic self awareness.

8. Totes- All purpose adverb used to evoke both a sense of completeness and an ironic detachment from youth culture, through gentle mockery. Eg. "That sandwich is totes tastyballs. Let's get an iPhone app to describe it's awesomeness, Von Shwagels".


You better believe this list will be updated. I'm even happy to include good ones from other couples and claim them as my own.