On mourning

My father, Albert Wajnberg, passed away yesterday. He went suddenly, from what we believe was a cardiac episode. He fell and sustained minor head injuries, which likely contributed to his death. I had spoken to him on the phone less than an hour before he was discovered. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loved my father, and anyone who met my father knows why. This was a man utterly devoid of selfishness, ill-will or evil intention, a jovial man with a voice that registered somewhere between a stand up-bass and a bassoon. A man of tremendous joy and quiet, unassuming intelligence, a fair judge of all men, save for himself. He was too ready to talk himself down, a trait that was often exasperating to the people around him who adored him. I would have the same tendency towards self-immolation, were it not for the fact that my father filled me with such a massive amount of self-esteem. All confidence in myself stems from Al Wajnberg's relentless promotion of all his children as being a super race of brilliant, beautiful humans.

I and my brother, and my three sisters, and my mother, have received an enormous outpouring of support from friends and family, which I'm left humbled by. But it has occurred to me that no-one knows what to say in these situations. Myself included. And for people who aren't familiar with Jewish tradition, the act of expressing solemn condolences is a potential minefield. I like providing guides and definitions. So I'm going to condense the 1% of what I know of Jewish mourning tradition into a guide for my friends, all of which can be chucked out the window in return for any sincere expression of regret. But just as I've found a bit of comfort in following a set table of rules for this event, I hope I can do the same for other people.

1. Normal attire is expected at a Jewish funeral. Slacks and a shirt, skirt and a blouse, etc. Ties, suits, veils...all of it might be considered adornment, and is not necessary. Helmets are acceptable, if you are a viking.

2. Flowers are not generally appropriate. Stones are often placed on the grave as a marker, or sign of permanence.

3. All Jews are buried in simple boxes, wrapped in shrouds. Viewing the body is not traditional. The idea is that human beings derive their personal sanctity from the spirit God has imbued in them, and from their deeds while on Earth. Their physical form is a distraction from these realities, thus immaterial when committing back to God. Something like that.

4. The traditional greeting for an Onen, a person directly grieving the deceased, is to wish them Long Life. Other chit chat is generally considered totes banal. Keep in mind, the first thing I said to my sister, immediately after she was informed of the terrible news, was "How are you?". If it slips, don't worry about it.

5. No clapping after speeches. I guess this one isn't strictly a Jewish custom, more just common sense. However, if the speech includes juggling...

6. Only the family rend their clothing. Doing so to fit in will result in torn clothing.

7. After the funeral, mourners are invited to the home of the deceased a few hours later, to recite psalms and the Kaddish, the Jewish prayer for the dead. This is not a wake. Reminiscing the dead and hanging around should be kept to the 7-day period after the burial, known as the Shiva. Sounds harsh, but it's best to make it quick and then split. And when you do, go get a chicken parma or something else delicious. The honour of mourning is strictly reserved for the immediate family. Everyone else is ordered to get back to their affairs, by decree of Old Testament God, who doesn't screw around.

8. Over the next 7 days, the mourners stay at home, cover their mirrors,take off their shoes and sit on the ground or on small stools. This period, Shiva, is the intense mourning period that's probably been mentioned on any show that had a special episode where a Jewish character had died.

9. When visiting a mourner during Shiva, it is customary to bring light food, since the mourners are not expected to engage in the joys of cooking and the eating of the cookies. Flowers are nice, but simple food like soup, bread rolls, hard boiled eggs and vegetables are more appropriate.

10. Jews are not Irish. I guess this means that we don't appreciate drinking, levity or irreverence during the mourning period. But Dad praised good humour above all other things, and raised his children likewise. If you'e able to honour us and Dad with a visit during Shiva, please bring some jokes. Al Wajnberg was a man who liked to sit, talk and laugh.

That's it. I hope this helps shed some light on the ancient, mystical, garlicky customs of the ancient Jews. I hope it helps.

To Dad- I know neither of us believed in ghosts, spirits or the afterlife. But in the event we were wrong...stick around. I wasn't done making you laugh.

M.H.D.S.R.I.P